Coming back to something I put down is refreshing! So much has happened since 2012 and I'm excited to finally be at a place where I can get my thoughts together and just be able to share. So WELCOME BACK to me!!!
There's been so much, I just don't know where to begin.
I guess, I'll start where I left off...My father passed away which was the beginning of many thresholds to walk through. Little did I know that that was going to be the beginning of a whole new thing in my life. I was working in the healthcare field and enjoying what I did but still feeling like there was something missing. After a long battle of the heart and mind with the Lord, I embraced the fact that God told me to have my biological mother move in with me for good. Taking on someone with physical limitations was a challenge. Taking on someone that I was estranged from for almost 17 years was even tougher, but I knew it was the right thing to do. God chipped and chipped away at my heart until I relented. Gently and ever so tenaciously, God showed me in that His grace was sufficient...all I had to do was let go so He could move. Being the control freak that I am, the Type A personality, the lists, the schedules, the plan A, B, C, and maybe a D, I just had to cast it all in the air and walk into waters I was so unfamiliar with...TRUST.
So, here I am, fighting with God about what I deemed a mountain in my life. I must have looked like a spoiled child looking up at God with my head shaking back and forth expressing my frustration and unwillingness. All the while He's looking down at me nodding yes, saying nothing more. He gave me no answers, He showed me no amazing revelations. All I felt, when I finally relented, was complete peace. Now mind you, my life had taken a new route 17 years after I moved away and I had a new family, new friends, new circles, a new life. This was a complete inconvenience! I was letting my pride take control and rather than fully relent, I began telling God all the reasons this just wasn't going to work out. Sorry God, you messed up this time, this plan ain't for me! Guess I was wrong, because 2 months rolled along and next thing you know, I'm looking for a new home to accommodate my mother's special needs.
Even after she moved in, I was still harboring my own feelings about things. I'm being obedient, but my heart wasn't completely right. I did all the right things, I prayed about everything, but there was still a corner of my heart that I kept from God. It felt like a hangnail. You know, something tiny that starts off irritated, but then it becomes infected. Yep, that was me. I let a little doubt mixed in with my pride, and a swirl of selfishness fester up in my heart. I thought I was hiding it, but who am I kidding?? Nothing under the sun goes unnoticed by God. He knew it. I was just fooling myself.
So there I am, working full time in the healthcare field, making my connections, living my life, and having this little addition to my life try no to affect me. It was like a little hiccup that I could ignore. Which meant that I was ignoring all the things the Lord needed me to go through. Once again, I'm behaving like a brat digging her feet in the ground saying no to God. I got a care-giver to take care of the things I didn't want to do. Work was my escape. I was glad to be interrupted by my life because it was easier to ignore the elephant in the room that way. I had this stranger living in my home. I knew her, we were kind to one another, but I wasn't taking the time to allow healing to set in. I was going through the motions secretly resenting this position God had put me in.
God was giving me some lead, but that lead would quickly come to an end. It was evident that I wasn't going to swim deeper waters, so God threw me into the deep end of the pool. Life began to get very complicated. I want you to know that when things get uncomfortable, it's not because God's doing something to you, it's because we need to take a look at what's going on and let Him show us how to adapt. I was feeling some kind of way because my life was inconvenienced, because I had this woman in my home that I really didn't know anymore, I felt awkward and backwards. So much water was under the bridge, I thought I'd put the past away never to return to it. When you shove something under the rug, you're only covering something up. Sooner or later, you're going to trip over the obstacle and you're faced with having to deal with it face to face. In my situation, this was literally the case. I was face to face with my mother on a daily basis. I had to learn to get to know her, allow her to get to know me. I had to relent to her and give her a place in my heart and mind that I had removed her from. My bitterness. My stubbornness. My resentments. I had stood so high on my platform for so many years I didn't realize that being right got me nowhere but further into my own denial. I held onto my "rightness" like a dog on a bone. Nobody was going to tell me that I was wrong. For 17 years I had won the fights, but I was losing that battle because I was doing things my way.
Soon after she moved in, it was evident that this was my new job--to take care of her full time so I put in my notice to my job of many years and stayed home full-time to take care of this stranger in my home whom I called "mom." That was the turning point. That was where God flooded me with His grace. God showed me everyday what His grace was all about. All the resentment, all the past hurts, all the emotional baggage and all of my stubbornness had to go away. All of a sudden, it didn't matter who was right or wrong, all that mattered was my obedience.
It was February 14th and I had put everything from the past several years from work in the trunk of my car. As I sat in the parking lot staring at the building, tears fell from my eyes. I really didn't know why. Was it because I was walking into the unknown? The fact that I left my job, my benefits, everything that I worked so hard at? Was it fear? Was it resentment? I guess it could have been a mixture of it all. All I know is that God's hand was all over this and I knew I had to walk forward and to this.
Mom was at dialysis and I knew I had a few hours before I needed to get her. I got home, unloaded my things in the garage and just sat in her room just looking at her things. I wondered how I got here. I wondered where I was going from here. I wondered how God's grace could ever be enough to carry me through this. I knew this was going to be an intensive journey between my mother and I and I was either going to give in to it 100% or I was never going to heal from my past. I can remember getting her room together. A new bed with a beautiful yellow comforter with blue flowers on it. The room had windows on every wall letting in the sunlight and showing off the wooded area from the preserved land that surrounded my house. Every window had a view of large, full trees and when you opened the windows and just listened, sometimes the songs of the birds carried through the air almost all day long. I made her bed and got it ready for her when she returned, I opened all the windows and sat on the edge of the bed and that's when it happened. A gush of emotion overtook me and I knew it was time for me to allow God to open up this scabbed up, hardened heart of mine and let Him take over once and for all. As I wept and shared with Him all the things wrong with me and this situation, He continued to instill peace into my heart. By the time I finished my laundry list of "why nots," God had flooded my heart with all the "whys." My platform had crumbled at my feet, there was nothing left. No reason to be right, no reason to be anything but open.
I got myself together and got in the car. I drove to the dialysis place where she would be for 5 to 6 hours 3 times a week and parked the car. As I waited in the lot facing the front doors of the facility, I saw a nurse wheel her to the lobby. Then I saw her ask the nurse to wheel her to the front doors where she could sit in her wheelchair and wait for me. I know she didn't see me in the parking lot. I watched her, for just a few moments, looking out. She seemed so drained, so tired, so exhausted. Her disfigured body just unable to do much of anything for herself, she was waiting and looking out for me. My heart broke. God poured into me a new love and desire to help her, know her, and yes, even let her love me back. God's grace... I pulled out of my parking space and pulled up to the doors. She perked up and her face went from drawn and sad to happy and eager to be with me. I got her in the car and drove her home overwhelmed in my heart at all God had blessed me with that day. I knew, for the first time in so long, that THIS was exactly where I was supposed to be and that everything was aligning itself for my feet to walk forward because there was still so much work to do in a very short amount of time.
That was the beginning of healing between the two of us. I asked her for forgiveness and really meant it and to my amazement, she asked for mine. I started to get close to this person that I had known all of my life yet never really knew her. Now, I'm developing, in warp speed, a trust, a bond, and relationship that only God could create. The past was put to rest. The mourning was over and I was enjoying my days taking care of her. She trusted me and I allowed her into my heart with no hesitations just as God had hastened me. It felt like the healing came quickly. Restoration of 40 years had taken place in the speed of light. I felt the weight lifted and I was just enjoying getting to know her on a deeper level.
March 3. Mom woke up at 2:15 am as usual and I heard her downstairs moving around in her bed. Instead of going back to sleep, I was wide awake. I waited about 2 hours before I went downstairs. I walked down the stairs, looked into her room and saw her there watching TV. I went in, checked in on her, and went to make coffee. God was preparing me for today. I felt a strength inside of me. I felt like I was being bolted to the ground. I didn't know why till later that day. Coffee made, a cup for me, a cup for her. She took a small sip but it was more a gesture of politeness rather than wanting it. She looked worried, seemed agitated. I sat in her room and talked with her while I drank coffee and the dog curled right up next to her and put her head on mom's stomach and she just stared at her. Mom loved my dog and it was the first smile on her face that morning. She pet AnnaBelle and loved on her for a few minutes but she soon returned to her thoughts. She looked out the window and said, "you know, everyone I love besides my children are in heaven. They are waiting for me." I said, "yes they are" I finished my coffee and stayed there with her until she nodded for a nap. 
When I got up, I straightened up, got things ready. Today was going to be a big day. We had a freak March snow and everything was closed. Schools, government, even her dialysis place called and cancelled for today. She hated dialysis, so she was happy with not going. Snow on the ground by the inches. She looked out the window and all she could see was the trees covered with snow. It was really a beautiful sight. At 9am I went to the living room and sat on the sofa. I looked at my best friend and said, "mom's not going to make it past today. Today's her day." I knew in my heart that today was her day. She knew it too. As weak as she was, as tired, as pained, as exhausted, she picked up her phone and made calls to those she wanted to say her goodbyes to. 9pm it was time for me to make a decision. I told her I was going to call 911 and she looked at me and said ok. I put her in the living room, got dressed, Lisa, by best friend who literally put her life on hold to move in with me and help me with my mom, went outside to shovel the snow so that the responders could get to us. Our neighbors must have had a scanner because they came with a tractor and plowed the entire driveway and cleared a path for the firetrucks and ambulance that were soon to arrive. 
Lisa, my best friend, my rock, did anything I needed. She was my caregiver, so to speak, as I was mom's. She knew when I was mentally tired, physically tired, etc., and stepped in wherever she could. God's grace physically before me. She prayed, uplifted, encouraged, took care of me and mom with no hesitation or reservation. Oh how I thank God for Lisa and the precious gift of God she's been in my life!
In a few minutes, all the white snow was glowing with red and white lights. I had gotten mom dressed and ready for the ride to the hospital. I didn't leave her side. She was looking at my face the entire time. She never unlocked her gaze from me and in turn, I put on my best calm face and did what I do best, stayed calm in the middle of all the chaos around us and created a calm so she would feel safe. God gave me an unreal, supernatural calm inside my heart and mind. I was clear, I was prepared, I had things ready and mom didn't have to do anything but sit there and just focus her eyes on me...as I had my heart fixed and focused on God the entire time. My heart was breaking. This was the last time mom would be in this house. I had to be strong for her. I knew God would hold me up.
We got her in the ambulance, I rode along with her. The drive down the road seemed so unfamiliar. I'd lived there so long, yet the roads didn't look like anywhere I'd been before. All I could do was speak out to her. She was calm. She was quiet. We got to the bay and got her out. I'm still with her. She's still looking at me. All my medical background, training, education, it was all for this time; this very moment in my life. Years of education to help others, and it was really for this moment, for my mother and I never even knew it. She's in the trauma room, I'm making calls, holding her hand, talking to the triage nurse, passing information. I look at mom and the look on her face...in mid conversation I hung my cellphone up and took both her hands, looked into her face and asked, "are you scared?" she said, "yes." My heart broke. I looked at her and said, "don't be scared. We're not alone." She gripped my hand and I fixed my eyes on her and didn't stop. All the while they were examining her, she held onto me and never took her eyes off me. My only job was to be strong, be calm...my one job, ease her fear. As she began to let go, the team working on her, I leaned into her ear and whispered, "It's ok. We're all going to be alright. Run to Jesus and don't be scared anymore. I love you." I watched the monitor and her heart stopped 2 beats after that and she was in the arms of Jesus.
I watched her for a while just staring. How could this gift come to me and leave me so quickly? The nurse went and got Lisa and brought her to us. I couldn't stop holding my mother's hand and staring at her. It just wasn't real. I never could have imagined that the time for healing and restoration was going to be a swift process and this special, beautiful, wonderful gift would be mine in my heart longer than it would be here on this earth.
Nothing could have prepared me for those months with her. I would never have believed anyone telling me this was going to take place. God sees the bigger picture and He knows when it's time. Had I continued to be rebellious, I would have missed the healing that took place in my life. I would have missed a 40 year restoration. I would have missed out at the relationship with her that God wanted for me and her. I wouldn't be who I am today. If I had not relented, if I had not been obedient, if....I would have missed God. AMAZING GRACE!
If it had not been for the grace of God. If it had not been for His conviction, His comfort, His provision, His mercy, I could not share of this amazing healing.
I could tell you that everything was peachy along the way. No, it wasn't. So many questions, so much disbelief, so many "why are you doing this?" but I knew in my heart, this was a God thing.
To all my friends and family who trusted the God in me despite insecurities, being unsure, and wanting to protect my heart from hurt, I want to thank you. Thank you for allowing me the space to venture out and the grace to hear me when my heart was overwhelmed without saying "I told you so." Yes, there was so much frustration. Yes, my heart was overwhelmed, but it was and IS well with my soul! I have no regrets. God is just so good!
In loving memory Myrna A. Mateo 5/29/39 - 3/3/14
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