Welcome Back!

Coming back to something I put down is refreshing!  So much has happened since 2012 and I'm excited to finally be at a place where I can get my thoughts together and just be able to share. So WELCOME BACK to me!!!

There's been so much, I just don't know where to begin.  

I guess, I'll start where I left off...My father passed away which was the beginning of many thresholds to walk through.  Little did I know that that was going to be the beginning of a whole new thing in my life.  I was working in the healthcare field and enjoying what I did but still feeling like there was something missing.  After a long battle of the heart and mind with the Lord, I embraced the fact that God told me to have my biological mother move in with me for good.  Taking on someone with physical limitations was a challenge.  Taking on someone that I was estranged from for almost 17 years was even tougher, but I knew it was the right thing to do.  God chipped and chipped away at my heart until I relented.  Gently and ever so tenaciously, God showed me in that His grace was sufficient...all I had to do was let go so He could move.  Being the control freak that I am, the Type A personality, the lists, the schedules, the plan A, B, C, and maybe a D, I just had to cast it all in the air and walk into waters I was so unfamiliar with...TRUST.  

So, here I am, fighting with God about what I deemed a mountain in my life.  I must have looked like a spoiled child looking up at God with my head shaking back and forth expressing my frustration and unwillingness.  All the while He's looking down at me nodding yes, saying nothing more.  He gave me no answers, He showed me no amazing revelations.  All I felt, when I finally relented, was complete peace.  Now mind you, my life had taken a new route 17 years after I moved away and I had a new family, new friends, new circles, a new life.  This was a complete inconvenience!  I was letting my pride take control and rather than fully relent, I began telling God all the reasons this just wasn't going to work out.  Sorry God, you messed up this time, this plan ain't for me!  Guess I was wrong, because 2 months rolled along and next thing you know, I'm looking for a new home to accommodate my mother's special needs.  

Even after she moved in, I was still harboring my own feelings about things.  I'm being obedient, but my heart wasn't completely right.  I did all the right things, I prayed about everything, but there was still a corner of my heart that I kept from God.  It felt like a hangnail.  You know, something tiny that starts off irritated, but then it becomes infected.  Yep, that was me.  I let a little doubt mixed in with my pride, and a swirl of selfishness fester up in my heart.  I thought I was hiding it, but who am I kidding??  Nothing under the sun goes unnoticed by God.  He knew it.  I was just fooling myself.  

So there I am, working full time in the healthcare field, making my connections, living my life, and having this little addition to my life try no to affect me.  It was like a little hiccup that I could ignore.  Which meant that I was ignoring all the things the Lord needed me to go through.  Once again, I'm behaving like a brat digging her feet in the ground saying no to God.  I got a care-giver to take care of the things I didn't want to do.  Work was my escape.  I was glad to be interrupted by my life because it was easier to ignore the elephant in the room that way.  I had this stranger living in my home.  I knew her, we were kind to one another, but I wasn't taking the time to allow healing to set in.  I was going through the motions secretly resenting this position God had put me in.  

God was giving me some lead, but that lead would quickly come to an end.  It was evident that I wasn't going to swim deeper waters, so God threw me into the deep end of the pool.  Life began to get very complicated.  I want you to know that when things get uncomfortable, it's not because God's doing something to you, it's because we need to take a look at what's going on and let Him show us how to adapt.  I was feeling some kind of way because my life was inconvenienced, because I had this woman in my home that I really didn't know anymore, I felt awkward and backwards.  So much water was under the bridge, I thought I'd put the past away never to return to it.  When you shove something under the rug, you're only covering something up.  Sooner or later, you're going to trip over the obstacle and you're faced with having to deal with it face to face.  In my situation, this was literally the case.  I was face to face with my mother on a daily basis.  I had to learn to get to know her, allow her to get to know me.  I had to relent to her and give her a place in my heart and mind that I had removed her from.  My bitterness.  My stubbornness.  My resentments.  I had stood so high on my platform for so many years I didn't realize that being right got me nowhere but further into my own denial.  I held onto my "rightness" like a dog on a bone.  Nobody was going to tell me that I was wrong.  For 17 years I had won the fights, but I was losing that battle because I was doing things my way.  

Soon after she moved in, it was evident that this was my new job--to take care of her full time so I put in my notice to my job of many years and stayed home full-time to take care of this stranger in my home whom I called "mom."  That was the turning point.  That was where God flooded me with His grace.  God showed me everyday what His grace was all about.  All the resentment, all the past hurts, all the emotional baggage and all of my stubbornness had to go away.  All of a sudden, it didn't matter who was right or wrong, all that mattered was my obedience. 

It was February 14th and I had put everything from the past several years from work in the trunk of my car.  As I sat in the parking lot staring at the building, tears fell from my eyes.  I really didn't know why.  Was it because I was walking into the unknown?  The fact that I left my job, my benefits, everything that I worked so hard at?  Was it fear? Was it resentment?  I guess it could have been a mixture of it all.  All I know is that God's hand was all over this and I knew I had to walk forward and to this.  

Mom was at dialysis and I knew I had a few hours before I needed to get her.  I got home, unloaded my things in the garage and just sat in her room just looking at her things.  I wondered how I got here.  I wondered where I was going from here.  I wondered how God's grace could ever be enough to carry me through this.  I knew this was going to be an intensive journey between my mother and I and I was either going to give in to it 100% or I was never going to heal from my past.  I can remember getting her room together.  A new bed with a beautiful yellow comforter with blue flowers on it.  The room had windows on every wall letting in the sunlight and showing off the wooded area from the preserved land that surrounded my house.  Every window had a view of large, full trees and when you opened the windows and just listened, sometimes the songs of the birds carried through the air almost all day long.  I made her bed and got it ready for her when she returned, I opened all the windows and sat on the edge of the bed and that's when it happened.  A gush of emotion overtook me and I knew it was time for me to allow God to open up this scabbed up, hardened heart of mine and let Him take over once and for all.  As I wept and shared with Him all the things wrong with me and this situation, He continued to instill peace into my heart.  By the time I finished my laundry list of "why nots," God had flooded my heart with all the "whys."  My platform had crumbled at my feet, there was nothing left.  No reason to be right, no reason to be anything but open.  

I got myself together and got in the car.  I drove to the dialysis place where she would be for 5 to 6 hours 3 times a week and parked the car.  As I waited in the lot facing the front doors of the facility, I saw a nurse wheel her to the lobby.  Then I saw her ask the nurse to wheel her to the front doors where she could sit in her wheelchair and wait for me.  I know she didn't see me in the parking lot.  I watched her, for just a few moments, looking out.  She seemed so drained, so tired, so exhausted.  Her disfigured body just unable to do much of anything for herself, she was waiting and looking out for me.  My heart broke.  God poured into me a new love and desire to help her, know her, and yes, even let her love me back.  God's grace...  I pulled out of my parking space and pulled up to the doors.  She perked up and her face went from drawn and sad to happy and eager to be with me.  I got her in the car and drove her home overwhelmed in my heart at all God had blessed me with that day.  I knew, for the first time in so long, that THIS was exactly where I was supposed to be and that everything was aligning itself for my feet to walk forward because there was still so much work to do in a very short amount of time. 

That was the beginning of healing between the two of us.  I asked her for forgiveness and really meant it and to my amazement, she asked for mine.  I started to get close to this person that I had known all of my life yet never really knew her.  Now, I'm developing, in warp speed, a trust, a bond, and relationship that only God could create.  The past was put to rest.  The mourning was over and I was enjoying my days taking care of her.  She trusted me and I allowed her into my heart with no hesitations just as God had hastened me.  It felt like the healing came quickly.  Restoration of 40 years had taken place in the speed of light.  I felt the weight lifted and I was just enjoying getting to know her on a deeper level.  

March 3.  Mom woke up at 2:15 am as usual and I heard her downstairs moving around in her bed.  Instead of going back to sleep, I was wide awake.  I waited about 2 hours before I went downstairs.  I walked down the stairs, looked into her room and saw her there watching TV.  I went in, checked in on her, and went to make coffee.  God was preparing me for today.  I felt a strength inside of me.  I felt like I was being bolted to the ground.  I didn't know why till later that day.  Coffee made, a cup for me, a cup for her.  She took a small sip but it was more a gesture of politeness rather than wanting it.  She looked worried, seemed agitated.  I sat in her room and talked with her while I drank coffee and the dog curled right up next to her and put her head on mom's stomach and she just stared at her.  Mom loved my dog and it was the first smile on her face that morning.  She pet AnnaBelle and loved on her for a few minutes but she soon returned to her thoughts.  She looked out the window and said, "you know, everyone I love besides my children are in heaven.  They are waiting for me."  I said, "yes they are" I finished my coffee and stayed there with her until she nodded for a nap.  

When I got up, I straightened up, got things ready.  Today was going to be a big day.  We had a freak March snow and everything was closed.  Schools, government, even her dialysis place called and cancelled for today.  She hated dialysis, so she was happy with not going.  Snow on the ground by the inches.  She looked out the window and all she could see was the trees covered with snow.  It was really a beautiful sight.  At 9am I went to the living room and sat on the sofa.  I looked at my best friend and said, "mom's not going to make it past today. Today's her day."  I knew in my heart that today was her day.  She knew it too.  As weak as she was, as tired, as pained, as exhausted, she picked up her phone and made calls to those she wanted to say her goodbyes to.  9pm it was time for me to make a decision.  I told her I was going to call 911 and she looked at me and said ok.  I put her in the living room, got dressed, Lisa, by best friend who literally put her life on hold to move in with me and help me with my mom, went outside to shovel the snow so that the responders could get to us.  Our neighbors must have had a scanner because they came with a tractor and plowed the entire driveway and cleared a path for the firetrucks and ambulance that were soon to arrive. 

Lisa, my best friend, my rock, did anything I needed.  She was my caregiver, so to speak, as I was mom's.  She knew when I was mentally tired, physically tired, etc., and stepped in wherever she could.  God's grace physically before me.  She prayed, uplifted, encouraged, took care of me and mom with no hesitation or reservation.  Oh how I thank God for Lisa and the precious gift of God she's been in my life! 

In a few minutes, all the white snow was glowing with red and white lights.  I had gotten mom dressed and ready for the ride to the hospital.  I didn't leave her side.  She was looking at my face the entire time.  She never unlocked her gaze from me and in turn, I put on my best calm face and did what I do best, stayed calm in the middle of all the chaos around us and created a calm so she would feel safe.  God gave me an unreal, supernatural calm inside my heart and mind.  I was clear, I was prepared, I had things ready and mom didn't have to do anything but sit there and just focus her eyes on me...as I had my heart fixed and focused on God the entire time.  My heart was breaking.  This was the last time mom would be in this house.  I had to be strong for her.  I knew God would hold me up.

We got her in the ambulance, I rode along with her.  The drive down the road seemed so unfamiliar.  I'd lived there so long, yet the roads didn't look like anywhere I'd been before.  All I could do was speak out to her.  She was calm.  She was quiet.  We got to the bay and got her out.  I'm still with her.  She's still looking at me.  All my medical background, training, education, it was all for this time; this very moment in my life.  Years of education to help others, and it was really for this moment, for my mother and I never even knew it.  She's in the trauma room, I'm making calls, holding her hand, talking to the triage nurse, passing information.  I look at mom and the look on her face...in mid conversation I hung my cellphone up and took both her hands, looked into her face and asked, "are you scared?" she said, "yes."  My heart broke.  I looked at her and said, "don't be scared.  We're not alone."  She gripped my hand and I fixed my eyes on her and didn't stop.  All the while they were examining her, she held onto me and never took her eyes off me.  My only job was to be strong, be calm...my one job, ease her fear.  As she began to let go, the team working on her, I leaned into her ear and whispered, "It's ok.  We're all going to be alright.  Run to Jesus and don't be scared anymore. I love you."  I watched the monitor and her heart stopped 2 beats after that and she was in the arms of Jesus.  

I watched her for a while just staring.  How could this gift come to me and leave me so quickly?  The nurse went and got Lisa and brought her to us.  I couldn't stop holding my mother's hand and staring at her.  It just wasn't real.  I never could have imagined that the time for healing and restoration was going to be a swift process and this special, beautiful, wonderful gift would be mine in my heart longer than it would be here on this earth.  

Nothing could have prepared me for those months with her.  I would never have believed anyone telling me this was going to take place.  God sees the bigger picture and He knows when it's time.  Had I continued to be rebellious, I would have missed the healing that took place in my life.  I would have missed a 40 year restoration.  I would have missed out at the relationship with her that God wanted for me and her.  I wouldn't be who I am today.  If I had not relented, if I had not been obedient, if....I would have missed God.  AMAZING GRACE!

If it had not been for the grace of God.  If it had not been for His conviction, His comfort, His provision, His mercy, I could not share of this amazing healing.

I could tell you that everything was peachy along the way.  No, it wasn't.  So many questions, so much disbelief, so many "why are you doing this?" but I knew in my heart, this was a God thing.  

To all my friends and family who trusted the God in me despite insecurities, being unsure, and wanting to protect my heart from hurt, I want to thank you.  Thank you for allowing me the space to venture out and the grace to hear me when my heart was overwhelmed without saying "I told you so."  Yes, there was so much frustration.  Yes, my heart was overwhelmed, but it was and IS well with my soul!  I have no regrets.  God is just so good!

 In loving memory Myrna A. Mateo 5/29/39 - 3/3/14

Island Dreamin

So it's summertime.  The time of the year when you wanna be lazy and do nothing but watch the cabana boys clean the pool while taking breaks to fan you with a palm branch while feeding you grapes...ahhhhhhhh sounds so good!  As luxurious as that sounds, reality is such that I hold a regular day job and my next vacation is in December.  So.........I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I'd like to do.  Normally vacations exist of me taking time off to do nothing but piddle around the house never really having done anything that resembles a real vacation and then all of a sudden, before I know it, the week is up and I'm driving back to work wondering why I even took the time off in the first place.  I'm actually trying to plan a getaway for this December's vacation, but where?

I've been looking at online websites for all-inclusive island getaways.  That sounds so nice.  Just thinking about being somewhere with no Rt. 301 traffic sounds wonderful.  White sandy beaches, beautiful blue-green waters, sunshine and tanning oils, icy frosty colorful drinks with cute umbrellas and pineapple garnishes just entice me.  It almost makes me forget that I'm actually thinking of being on a beach around other people with nothing but a bathing suit on...of course, they'll never see me again, so really, what does it matter?! 

Have suggestions as to where to go? I'd love to hear from you!  Remember, $ is a factor, so suggesting a week getaway to the Ritz Carlton 5 Star resort would be a pipe dream :)

In the TreeHouse

Always when looking for a sanctuary to call your own, you must consider all things and all people around you.  Thinking about all the outside influences in my life, I see that it comes down to very little...what makes me take a deep breath in and let it out slowly leaving me with nothing but a relaxed smile on my face? 

After over two long years of re-evaluating my own life and examining and re-examining things, it's funny how it comes down to grace.  I never knew what grace looked like 'till I allowed it into my life.  I suppose that grace can look different to different people; the word's definition takes on different meanings considering who's giving it.  For me, grace looks like peace and forgiveness.  There are so many people out there that would just love to keep my past in my present and keep their thumb over me as if to imply that they're so superior and better, that their mistakes have been evident, but none so significant as mine, but retreating to my sanctuary, I found the treehouse to be my place of refuge, my safe-place, my calm.  Even in the middle of the storm, the ride seemed quiet and less bothersome.  


God brings people in your life to lighten the load, to ease the burden, to show you a different perspective, to share with you a corny joke so you can have the laugh you haven't had in so so long.  Our complexities and differentials bring us together and weave us into something so truly unique that, in the end, you wonder if these "turbulent" days weren't supposed to be.  Of course not, but it's so good to know that even through my own stupidity, God can move in my life and rescue what would be a crapped out life and turn it into something I never would have expected...something wonderful despite myself.  

So back to the treehouse...I discovered this accidental sanctuary of greenery, trees everywhere, gravel road and so quiet, this wouldn't be something I would have never picked for me, by way of a good friend.  Never thinking in a million years that this would be where I would find my rest and security, I drove over a hill and found the grass really IS greener on the other side.  Full of trees, butterflies in flight, woodpeckers knocking on nearby trees, goats in the pastures, cows mooing nearby, and horses galore, this is where I landed...me, a Puerto Rican woman from Manhattan, New York City, looking to recover from my own mistakes and trying to fix things in my own strength.  This is where God brought me to let go of it all and let Him fix me...not my life, not people around me, not anything else but fix ME...everything else would be fixed by means of what I call the "trickle effect."  If God changes me, then everything else around me has no choice but to change too.  So here I am sitting here day in and day out.  When the lights were out, there was nothing but darkness and silence.  It was just me in the treehouse sitting alone with nobody but God and my puppy to discuss things with.  Every once and a while, the people in the main house would stop by and talk, but this was my time to silently figure things out as God unwrapped, slowly and deliberately all the things He wanted to bring to light in my life.  Casting a reflective image in front my face, God gently showed me so many things I didn't want to see, but one by one, and in His love and timing, healing took place.  Completely isolated from so many things and people that would distract and hinder my thought process, God chose to literally plop me in the middle of nowhere where I could do nothing but think on Him and let Him love me back on the path meant just for me.  The process is long, actually, the process is continual.  It is, in reality, like peeling off layers and layers of dead skin.  


Now in the comfort of a secluded sanctuary, I find peace and grace all around me.  So much has changed within and without me, yet in the middle of a chaotic time in my life, the peaceful streams in my heart continue to flow.  The treehouse is my welcome place.  Now I go home and sit outside underneath a big tree branch and listen to the neighborhood farm animals in the distance while sipping on a nice hot cup of coffee or a tall glass of iced-java.  


Weekend adventures take me to enjoying neighboring sights and activities like eating crabs, finding the water and enjoying the pier, taking pictures of cows and a calf, and all that treehouse living entails.  If you look carefully, you'll see worker bees in the background, birds with massive wing spans flying overhead, a big dog frolicking in the yard, a small little puppy curled in a ball sleeping on my lap and all is well in my heart and soul and so it is and shall be...it truly is well.

Smell the Colors of Spring

Apparently as you grow older, you realize there are things that you just let go of.  The saying, "use it or lose it" well, lets just say that it's more true than I ever thought.  I'm sitting in my office with the window wide open enjoying a beautiful breeze.  Nothing but spring is in the air and all I think about are dandelions and green grass, azalea bushes and purple johnny jump-ups, the gentle wind that brushes against the top of the tallest trees and how all the deadened shrubbery is now coming back to life from it's sedentary state.  It's magnificent and I'm loving every moment of my work-day "recess" and then........reality hits me.  I'm still finishing school and I'm doing horrible in math.  Seriously?!!  Who needs higher math for a degree in Health Care Administration?  I'm still trying to appeal this, but for right now, lets just say I'm getting nowhere with it pretty fast. 

So I'm back to math reality and realize that it's probably better to hire someone to take this class for me rather than be mad all day every day because I am so challenged it's not funny.  ANY TAKERS?  Okay, so that's just a fleeting thought that I won't really pursue (no matter how much I really want to).  After lots of brick walls hit, I'm taking a break from math.  Defeated somewhat, but not broken, I'm deciding to let it go for now.  Liberating!  Surprisingly, I felt a sense of relief and clarity that just made me feel like that Claratin commercial...all of a sudden everything felt clearer and I could breathe easy! Ahhhhhh ;)

I now have a new-found liberty and freedom that feels so good!  Call it a mini-vacation from school right now and I'm enjoying just working and living without the added component of school.  I went home and enjoyed sitting on the deck with the wind blowing through my hair reading a book on my tablet and Belle wandering beside me.  Everywhere I look there are trees just swaying back and forth, the worker bees chasing each other, and birds with vast wing spans soaring above my head like kites.  No sounds of horns honking, people talking loudly to one another, no cars honking or even the sound of loud motorcycles or car exhausts...just outside sounds of wind and nothing else.  It's one of those times when I wished I had a wind chime just blowing and sending off a "zen-like" sound through the air.  I honestly feel like I'm in another time and another place when I'm sitting there.  It's totally peaceful and I always feel so refreshed and happy after taking a little time to sit out there.  

So I'm going to take this time and enjoy the break from school and soak up the springtime and all the colors.  I'm even going to plant a little herb garden and attach it to my deck so I can walk to the patio and grab whatever herbs I want for cooking which will be an accomplishment because I have a black thumb in the garden but nonetheless, there will be an attempt.  

Through the days of Spring, there will be the scents of freshly cut green grass, visions of daffodils, tulips, pansies, weeping willows bursting forth in greenery the sounds of tractors plowing their fields and the sights of horses walking in the grassy patches, cows grazing in the fields, and goats and sheep grazing within their boundaries.  Nothing but country for a girl removed from the city...and this is oh so nice to me!  Swing open the windows and let the breezes blow throughout the house! Spring is here so soak it up and enjoy it in all it's blossoms!  

Personal Challenges

In everyone, there is a fight.  Around everyone there is a fight.  When I look at things honestly, the fight within and without me is much my doing.  I'm not saying that I'm a victim by any means.  I know that the challenges I've faced in my life are partially because of wrong decisions on my part.  I am not going to begin to blame my present on my past.  We all have pasts, don't we?  Some people are able to rise above it better and some rise in their eyes and fail in their heart.  Guess that's been my way.  Everyone has a decision to make in their life, are you going to fight or are you going to lay down and let whatever happens happen?

There have been a lot of changes in my life, personally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically in the last year and a half.  Through a tragedy of stinking thinking on my part and the worst decisions I've ever made in my entire existence, I've never come out on the other side with a perspective as clear as I now have.  There are so many uncertainties in my life, but the one certainty I DO know is one word...GRACE.

What is grace?  I know that grace is the unmerited favor of God.  Yeah, I know it.  I live in it.  I'm every thankful for it.  Recently, I had been thinking about things in my life.  Once again, I'm at a crossroads and I must make some very important decisions.  I'm not good with change and I'm not patient either, so these decisions and steps I must make are heart-wrenching and just zap me emotionally.  So I've been doing a lot of praying and searching for wisdom.  In the middle of my soul-searching, I received an invitation to a Christian event from someone so far in my past I was blown away.  I struggled with whether or not I should go, but I realized that the struggle meant that I should go...so I did.  It was no mistake that I needed to be there.

I drove to this place that took me about an hour or more from my house.  Not a problem, it just gave me some alone time that I needed.  I got there, parked my car, found a seat and got ready for a Word.  Nothing could have prepared me for that moment in time.  Everything I had been praying for, all the issues I had been struggling with, all the earthly things that my heart was weighed down with and my mind bogged down in were all diminishing.  I was given permission to let it all go and leave it to never return to it again.  Everything I had every wished, everything I had ever pondered, all the "reasons" and all the words and stories and memories and all the crap were all shed that very night never to speak of them again.  It was the most liberating moment of my life.

There are so many people out there that truly believe that we should pick apart and analyze who we are and why we would do the things we do, the reasons behind the reasons behind the reasons...God says drop it, leave it, and never return to it.  Simple as that???  Really?  Yep!  For me, it was just that simple.  So what do you do when you know it's time to let it go and let God be your reason from that point on?  I had to obey.  And what's funny about it is that the moment I decided to let God work in my life completely, "grave diggers" came to resurrect my past and throw it out into the day to eager ears salivating for a juicy story.  People rolled around in my dead bones as alligators would roll in the water after getting their prey.  It was as ugly as my transgressions.  My accuser thought I would crumble and make the same mistakes, but my Word was clear and it gave me the strength to endure and overcome.  GRACE...

Grace to stand.  Grace to stay.  Grace to keep my head up.  Grace to accept the grace being given to me DESPITE the whirling winds of accusations, words, disgraces, and transgressions.  I'm not perfect.  I'm far from that.  I'm forgiven.  I've found favor.  And though I'm undeserving, I walk in His love though I've lost the love of others.  He is my Strength and my Deliverer, and yes, He loves me...oh how He loves me!

So here's my challenge...everyone has a past.  Everyone has made mistakes, done wrong things, hurt others because of these things....why not give it to God and never take it back again?  Don't ever go back, don't ever speak of it again and just move forward.  He forgives as far as the East is from the West...they never intersect!  I challenge you to step away from your past so that God can take you, change you, make you, and love and bless you.  I made a vow to my spiritual mother.  She held me in her arms, looked me square in the face and told me to never go back and I looked at her for the first time in 17 years and said, "never ever will I."  I'm still walking in that Word today...I challenge you to do the same.  I won't go back, can't go back to the way it used to be..."

Snow globe

Clearing my mind of so many things running through it, I lay on my bed and take slow and deliberate breaths in and breaths out.  Inhale, exhale...inhale, exhale...once again very sloooooooooooowwwwwwwww.  Ahhhhh.  Much better.  The day is dripping off of me like honey off a dipping stick.  I have so many things on my plate right now and most of them revolve around work these days.

To make a long story short, I'm trying to manage my office and begin my strategy for a targeted marketing report when my assistant gives her 2-week notice.  She came to me with tears in her eyes saying she couldn't juggle the job and her personal issues at home.  Sigh.  I got a little insight of some of what she was talking about from her a few weeks ago, and to be honest, I kinda thought it was going to happen, but you know how it goes...you don't think it's really going to happen.  But it did.  I found myself sitting back in my chair behind my desk just looking at her and listening to her explain why she's giving me her notice.  I felt the words forming in my mouth and I even thought I saw a speech bubble form over my head, but I remained silent with my hands folded on my lap until she finished.  What can I say to someone telling me that the job was too much pressure?  Too stressful? I had nothing to say that I could say.  I told her I was sorry she felt that way and that I hoped things would settle down in her life soon.  Again...SIGH.

After she walked out of my office.  I looked over at the candle I'd lit that morning.  I light a candle every day. Not only does it make the office smell nice, but it helps me feel at ease and makes my day seem nicer than usual.  I let myself just sink into my chair and let my mind wander.  It's the day before Thanksgiving and I'm getting ready to go away for the holiday.  What am I going to wear?  What am I packing?  Is it going to be cold over there?  Will it snow?  I'm just thinking thinking thinking about what I need to do, but then the thought of snow just overtakes my head.  A warm smile brushes over my lips and I'm in another place daydreaming of a beautiful landscape with sleeping trees, naked with only white knotty bark and tree limbs bared.  Along the side of the road is a drop off where you can see a little town in the valley down below.

Down in this valley is a quaint white church with a tall steeple and a few big barns with tall silos.  You can see the cows, which look like little black, brown, and black and white dots gathering by the side of the silo.  The hillside is just bare but the rolling hills remember the plush green grass from the previous season and it just lays in wait for the freshly falling snow.  It's just beautiful.  It's just what I need.  It's exactly what I want to see...this kind of peaceful beauty.

After about a five minute reprieve, I took myself back to the day at hand with my candle burning and my thoughts still half way on my daydream.  I plugged away at figures, made a lot of calls, got more calls than I wanted, went out on a few business meetings and came back to work after a bite for lunch.  It had been a really productive day and I'm was so excited to get home, get packed, and get ready to get on the road.

Just the week before, I spent a day with my bff at my mom's house making her Thanksgiving dinner.  She invited her bff to dinner and we all had a really nice time.  Me, my BFF, Mom, her BFF, Chloe, and her Zoe. It was a wonderful day.  Thankful for a great time, wonderful food, and quality time spent with my mom, my BFF helped me make my mom's day special...just what I had wanted.  :)

I got home, had dinner, packed my bags and went to bed.  I felt like it was the night before Christmas.  I was so excited to get away for a few days!  Morning came and I was ready to go.  Chloe's meds? Check.  A list of things she needs for the next few days?  Check.  Cell phone?  Check.  Work cell phone?  Check.  Bags packed, shoes, scarves, my most favorite pair of jeans on and I'm ready for a 5 hour trip away for lots of good home cooking, family, friends, and football!

The trip went without a glitch.  Traffic was wonderful and the time flew by.  We got there safe, sound, and hungry.  The house smelled WONDERFUL.  The turkey was getting it's oven tan while the stuffing in it was just calling my name!  OMG it was just amazing...EVERYTHING was just amazing.  The air was crisp and cold and it was everything that I thought a Thanksgiving should be in this region.  I found myself making up silly songs from nothing, laughing at silly things, and for once in a very long time, I felt completely happy.  I didn't think about anything else...nothing was outstanding, nothing was pending, I was just so content and everything I looked at and every place I went and everyone I spent time with did nothing less than put a smile on my face.

After 3 days and 2 nights, it was time to pack up and come home.  As I was dreading the trip home because it would be too quick and I would soon go back to the drama that's home, the drive and frustration was broken up by snowflakes.  There we are, driving down the highway and the snow falling down...not enough to cover the road, but enough to make it just beautiful around us.  Trees along the roadside, barns and houses, tractors and fields.  It was all so nostalgic and serene.  I looked around to the beautiful landscape that surround me and suddenly felt like I was the center of a snow globe and someone just shook it up to make the snow whirl around me.

I could go on about how the afternoon evolved back at home, but I'm still basking in the wonderful time I had and the sweet memories made...who wants to ruin it with reality?  I sure don't!

After a very long week at work, I sit here enjoying my time on the sofa with the football teams running across the television.  Two days and one night of very important business meetings out of town and I feel overwhelmed with things that are on my to do list.  Every time I get some things crossed out, I put on 5 more things.  This is to be expected though.  It's what they call the learning curve. I'm overwhelmed, but I'm not distraught.  This is a good stress...I'm definitely on the right track.  I have said it before, I'll say it again, I'm blessed.  In so many ways, I'm blessed.

I find myself just sinking into the couch and wishing myself into the cushions.  It feels so good to relax.  So here's my week...  I'm trying to learn the ropes and at the same time, teach my newly hired assistant the ropes too.  It's been wonderful having her there, she helps me with the other things so I can get my work done.  Monday and Tuesday were spent getting prepared for the business meetings.  Wednesday morning at 4:30am, I'm up stressing over whether or not I'll be on time.  I get up, get ready, get packed, and get coffee at Starbucks...ahhhhhhhhhhh Pumpkin spice latte.  Venti, xtra hot, quad shot, no foam, xtra spice, no whip latte from heaven's barrista to my own lips.  EXACTLY what I needed that morning.  The morning was dark and chilled.  Again, it was perfect for my morning coffee.  It took 2 1/2 hours to get there in traffic.  Not too bad for a drive from my place to Gaithersburg.  Actually early by an hour, I went to Panera where I enjoyed a breakfast sandwich and, yes, another pumpkin spice latte (that was really good too).  I went back to the hotel where I tried to check in, but it was too early so I left my things in the trunk and grabbed another coffee and went into the meeting room.  Begin the note-taking process.  I really thought the meetings that day were good.  We took a break for lunch (yummy) and then back to more meetings.  That night Corporate took us to one of my favs...CHEVY'S for dinner.  It was so good!  After dinner, some of us went to another place for some fun.  We went to Dogfish Head and had a REALLY good time with my friends and their spouses and I got in before midnight.

My hotel suite was really nice.  Three large televisions, a full kitchen, 2 bedrooms and a walk-in shower.  I slept so well that when I woke, I actually forgot where I was!  I got up early, got my shower, got dressed and packed to go and then headed out for the complimentary breakfast spread they put out.  Usually, hotel breakfasts are pretty nasty, but this was really good and I really enjoyed it.  Two more cups of coffee and I went into the meetings again.  Of course, the emergency phone that has stayed SILENT decided to ring and I had to deal with a work-related emergency for almost 2 hours.  Fire extinguished and problem solved...back to the meetings and another coffee (now they brought in freshly baked cookies and brownies....ummmm, yeah I had some!  Oatmeal raisin was the best, brownie was second best.  After a round table and a small presentation, we all got to go home around 4:30pm.  It was raining cat's and dogs so I wasn't really excited about driving on the beltway, but I did.  Right about to get to the bridge, my car decided to send me a warning ding telling me that I was about to run out of gas.  So I'm driving, it's wall-to-wall brake lights, idiot drivers all around me, and no gas in my tank.  As a matter of fact, I wasn't even sure I had an exit to stop to get gas.  Luckily, "Samantha," my GPS told me where I could go.  It took me 20 minutes to get 1/2 a block with the traffic and the rain.  I HATE DRIVING IN THE RAIN OVER THE BRIDGE!!!  I got gas and I had to do another 20 minutes for the 1/2 block once again only going in the other direction.  Now gassed up, I am feeling more confidant about getting over the bridge.  Traffic everywhere and better yet, the trucks were playing bully with the cars, I was white-knuckling it all the way to my exit.  Got there and for some reason, it took so long to get off the ramp that I actually got disoriented and didn't know where I was for a short while.  Has that ever happened to you?  It's kinda strange.  For a second, I was almost scared I'd missed something and went the wrong way.  I drove to my familiar routes and found my way down the roads that pointed me to my house.  I was so excited to see my driveway!

After a very productive 2 days in business meeting, I was fresh for getting back to work and "workin" it.  There were 48 voice mails on the main phone and I had 18 on my personal line.  Sighhhhhhh.  My goal, trying to get payroll for my staff done by 2pm.  There were so many things I had to do to catch up before I got payroll done that it was almost 4pm when I got everything uploaded to my accountant.  Sighhhhhh again.  I am convinced that this Friday, it's going to be done early...maybe a day early???  A noble goal.

It was a great time to get away for a day or so.  So I drove out of town and enjoyed time with friends and family.  We had a good time cooking, playing with the new baby (she's almost a year now) and just fellowshipping with everyone.  I had a good time.  I was able to leave my home frustrations behind and forget it so to speak...that is till one of my frustrations decided to text me before 7am.  That's a story that I may never share online, but still one that burdens me nonetheless.  I guess I can say this...people are like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get AND when you get it, it may be totally different than you thought it to be despite the few bites you've experienced already.

I'm home now and the biggest decision to be had now is what's for dinner.  Chinese or Mexican???  Who knows what I'll choose...it's going to be good regardless...it's going to be better because I'm home where I'm safe and with the one(s) I love.